Day 24: Struggles

I suck.  I have no real excuses for being gone the last week.  I simply did not feel very thankful for anything, so I neglected this blog.  Ironic since the point of the blog was to make me be more thankful, especially in moments such as this past week when I don't feel thankful at all.

I pondered simply stopping the blogrimage, as is, since today is day 30...but then decided, no.  I will still write 30 posts, even if there is a week lapse towards the end.

So here I am.  Still not feeling super thankful, but trying to push through.  Don't get me wrong, I still have tons of things to be thankful for, it's just my frame of mind that's not allowing me to see as the blessings that they truly are.

However, I think I knew this was inevitable.  I was expecting this.  I am a quitter.  I quit at lots of things; but I am trying to change that about myself.

I've been learning a lot in my Bible study the past few weeks - in spite of the fact that, that too has been neglected more than it should have been lately - and one of those lessons is that we are to treasure our hidden times.  Hidden times, deserts, struggles, whatever you want to call them.

I watched a Ted talk the other day about a woman who spoke of a gift she was given that provided her with renewed faith, a healthier lifestyle, greater appreciation for what she has, tighter bonds with friends and family, and a deeper sense of purpose.  What was that gift?  It was a brain tumor.  Instead of seeing the tumor as a curse, she saw it as a blessing.  Her struggle made her better, and too many times I forget that.  I don't appreciate the struggle as something that will make me better, I just see it as an obstacle to hurdle.

But in thinking back, I know for a fact I would not have enjoyed the camino nearly as much as I did had I not sacrified tears, sweat, and countless hours.  Had I just been given the money to go and gone the moment the idea popped in my head, it would not have been savored.  I had to earn the camino.  I had to work three jobs, live in someone's basement instead of having my own apartment like I've always dreamed of, not buy myself basically anything for at least 2 years, and pray pray pray.

Had I not gone through college - especially my senior year due to my parents' financial situation which was dire due to their divorce - on ramen and tuna and hand-me-down clothes, I would not appreciate all that I have now as much.  I would not be as good and conscientious with money.  I would not be as close to God.  I would not have had as much compassion as I did for the children and families I worked with at Rosedale.

So while struggling sucks, without it, I would have nothing, nor would I be who I am today.  And even though I feel like a big fat loser for quitting so easily a week ago, I'm glad I decided to come back and finish out, because it means I am growing.